New All-Cotton Stealth Plane Will Resemble Cloud

KERN COUNTY, Calif.--Cottonball manufacturers just won their first major defense contract from the U.S. Air Force: they'll soon produce a new cloud-like stealth plane made entirely of the soft, natural fiber.
Defense Department spokeswoman Ada Dowd denies the existence of such a plane, but a source at Boltmark Cotton Corp. has confirmed that the project, codenamed 'Puff Adder,' is well underway.
"We've been using cotton to reduce radar cross-section for years," the source said, "ever since the introduction of the chambray parachuting robe during the Korean War."
The source described enormous tactical advantages conferred by the new plane's fluffy airframe.
"Though fine for lift, the wings are more or less useless for actual steering because of all of that fiber, so we've had to rely on dandelion-based aerodynamics," the source said. "The resultant very erratic flight pattern makes 'Puff Adder' very difficult to strike."
The cotton also reduces engine noise, making the aircraft as quiet as it is invisible.
"And during low-altitude strafing runs, the plane can swab for DNA samples to see if any high-ranking enemies have been killed."
According to the source, the plane's design has proven so popular among Air Force leadership that a cargo version of the aircraft will soon enter production.
"This more advanced plane will deploy vital supplies to the field--vast quantities of rubbing alcohol and witch hazel, for example."