4/22/08

hmm, Thanks to reading the internet.....

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose.

(Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)<>

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

..

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.


I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this email/Bulletin to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails/Bulletins with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


;) HeeHee! Hows that???????? LOL!

7 comments:

  • Mrs. Mecomber said....

    LOL!!!

    OMG I do some of those things! I definitely wash my cans and I never touch a hotel remote! ewwww. Better safe than sorry, right? ;)

    How you feeling? Hope your recovery is speedy.

  • Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You said....

    OMG, how'd you know my hand was on the mouse? LOL *G* Ok, that was too funny. And I've NEVER thought about the remote. Ew. I do some of those things too. Washing the cans, etc.

  • Sue said....

    Hey I had my hand on the mouse too! I've heard about the bedspreads. I'm actually going to be in a hotel all next week. But it's at Disney World so hopefully not to many weirdo's ruining the bedspreads - lol!

  • ettarose said....

    Everything you said is done somewhere by someone. I just hope you never take a black light with you to a hotel. You can't even touch the walls! Very well written and you made me laugh out loud.

  • Ana said....

    LOL! That's a nice collection.

    The one about the remote was most interesting, have never thought about that. But the one about the women purses is also great! :-D

    I hope there are some things out in the big world you still can do without paranoia ;)

  • chilly said....

    Hi everyone!
    Yeah, some of those are a little wild if you think about them enough. My wife is one who goes nuts sometimes about being clean with some of the things she does. But I guess you never know these days and can't be to careful maybe.

    Hey Sue! You never know what Mickey and Minnie has been up to! LOL!
    Hope you have a great time at Disney World!!!

    Hi Mrs.Mecomber! I'm coming along better each day. Sinuses are clearing more each day. Neck pains are almost gone and feeling more and more like doing something each day. Thanks for asking!

  • elvislover said....

    That was funny!

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